


Surviving

by Moonprincess92



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, F/M, Fix-It, Rebelcaptain - Freeform, Survivor Guilt, They survive
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-23
Updated: 2016-12-23
Packaged: 2018-09-11 06:53:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8964118
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonprincess92/pseuds/Moonprincess92
Summary: That's the easy part.





	

They weren’t supposed to survive.

The rebellion doesn’t stop just because they’re dead (or nearly). No, the rebellion goes on around them, carries on fighting for justice without pausing, without ever stopping. When only two survive, you apparently become the beacon of hope, the figures that everyone rallies behind, and Jyn woke to find that she’d had no say in this.

Suddenly, she was a hero whether she liked it or not.

* * *

 The first words out of her mouth when she wakes are, “Where is he? _Where is he?_ ” The droid hovering over her asks for clarification, time that she isn’t willing to waste, and that is about when she starts screaming. He has to be there with her – if she is somehow not dead, then he must be alive too – he has to be. She remembers the beach, she remembers his weight over her shoulder, their arms around each other, holding each other tight as the impending wave of death came for them. There was supposed to be no one left. She prayed that the Death Star plans made it through, but she knew that there was nothing left of Rogue One. They were facing the end together, and she was relatively ok with that. _Your father would be proud_.

Despite their injuries, his arms felt strong. Safe. Regrets and a thousand and one other lifetimes had flashed through her mind, all each as wild and implausible as the next, but she hadn’t been afraid of what was coming. He was there with her.

Until she woke up, that is.

She doesn’t remember being sedated, but apparently it’s the only way to calm her down. Her mind suddenly wanders, stretches, as the medics who’d rushed in ease her down back into the bed that is apparently hers. She feels the drugs rush through her system and she fights to get back up, but she simply can’t work up the energy to do so. _What’s her name?_ Oh. The medic is asking her.

“Do you know your name? Can you tell me your name?”

“Jyn,” she eventually says. “I should be dead.”

“You are alive, Jyn,” the medic says, gently. “Very alive. A little bashed up and bruised, but you are alive, and that is how we’d like to keep you, ok?”

“Where is he?” Her tongue feels fuzzy.

“The captain? He’s in the bed next to you.”

She turns her head and sees where the medic is pointing. She notices a form in clear bad shape under the sheets, but now her eyes have gone blurry. She can’t feel her fingers.

“Am I dying again?” She wants to cry, but doesn’t, refuses.

“I can promise you that you’re not currently dying. You’re going to go to sleep now, ok?”

 _No_ , she wants to scream. _It’s not ok_.

But she isn’t given a choice.

* * *

She dreams of elevators and blasters. Explosions and choking on fumes. Being held back and pushed forward, pushed all her life into things no one should have to endure. But she endures them because if she doesn’t, who else will? If she doesn’t fight, _who will?_ She wasn’t in this rebellion for the morals, she was in it for her father, but then the captain turned up with a whole squadron of volunteers and said let’s do this. Suddenly, she thought maybe she was supposed to be a part of this after all.

This time when she wakes, she’s alone. The sickbay is empty, and there's no medic to stop her from stumbling out of bed, of staggering her lightheaded body over to the bed next to hers. She sees his face clearly, finally.

“Cassian,” she breathes.

His injuries were extensive, she knew. He had barely been able to walk, leaning all his weight on her, and yet, here he is. She doesn’t know what makes her do it, but she reaches out and skims her fingers over the lines of his face. He’s scruffier than she’s seen him so far, bruises mottling the skin in places, but he’s apparently alive, and it’s a miracle that she doesn’t understand.     

* * *

The princess is rescued. Jyn hadn’t realised she was captured in the first place.

Cassian wakes the day Princess Leia is returned by two rebels and a Wookiee, which sounds like the beginning of a bad joke. She tells him the news, and his face changes, lights up.

“She got the plans?” he asks.

Jyn nods slowly. “She got them. Placed them in an astromech droid, apparently. Vader never got his hands on them.”

“Then we did it,” he says in wonder.

It doesn’t feel like they did. But she can’t possibly say anything that would wipe the slow smile off his face. Everything they’ve been through still feels like it’s been for nothing, but Cassian is still healing and she won’t compromise that. She couldn’t bear to leave his side on the beach, and she certainly couldn’t do it now.

“We did it,” she tells him instead. 

* * *

The entire base seems to hold its breath as they listen to the squadrons make a run at the Death Star. Still in the sickbay, Jyn and Cassian listen through the intercom speakers the medics bring in for them. She is pretty sure the feeds aren’t supposed to be publicly spread, but she suspects someone hacked in at some point, because it isn’t long before the entire base is on tenterhooks, listening to the action.

This is what it comes down to, she supposes, as she and Cassian listen. This is what their sacrifices have all been made for. She isn’t sure when she crawled up onto his bed next to him, but his arm is draped over her curled up legs, the hand squeezing her calf as they listen to more x-wings blowing up, more people dying.

Then comes the moment Luke Skywalker makes the impossible shot.

Jyn focuses on breathing through the tension that had settled in her chest as they listened. It doesn’t feel real. She hears screams and hollering from down the hall, the beginnings of cheers apparently starting to spread throughout the base, but it honestly doesn’t feel real. The two medics listening with them throw their arms around each other, but Jyn knows the Death Star. She’s seen its power, she’s been right on the edge of death, ready to let its destruction take her. Though she believes that her father knew what he was doing, though she understands how the flaw works, it doesn’t feel real that suddenly, this thing is just gone. That it is now dust. Dust, and debris and ash.

Just like Chirrut and Baze. And Bodhi. And K-2SO …

“Jyn!” Cassian turns to face her, but there’s no words left. He clearly doesn’t know what to say, so she just presses her forehead to his. He doesn’t need to say anything.  

* * *

The medal feels a hundred times heavier than it should.

Cassian should 100% still be confined to bed, but she wasn’t about to wrestle him back in it when Princess Leia herself entered the sickbay and thanked them for their service. They’re both awarded medals, joined by Luke Skywalker, Han Solo and the Wookiee, Chewbacca. Jyn holds Cassian in support as he determinedly limps towards the princess and she tries not to imagine the last time they were in this position. The medal that’s placed around her neck is tainted by the ghosts of Rogue One. She can almost hear it screaming. But soon there are smiles and more cheers, music and celebrations, and there’s no place for her thoughts here.

Jyn finds herself retreating more and more as the festivities go on. That’s something she’s good at, at least. So much has been thrown at her over the last several days that her mind barely knows where to begin. The loss of her father, being shot at and blown up, facing the deaths of comrades she had barely known, yet trusted with her life, even facing down her own imminent death only to be snatched away at the last second. She had cheated, somehow. She was supposed to go down fighting, defending the cause, along with the others. She wasn’t supposed to be only one of two left, _she wasn’t supposed to fucking survive_.   

She glances down at the medal around her neck, before violently yanking it off.

Cassian has to quickly side-step to avoid being hit with it. The sudden movement makes him flinch, however, as he approaches the corner she’s hidden herself away in. “I’d pick that up for you, but I’m not sure I’d be able to get back up again at the moment,” he says, lightly.

“Cassian, don’t hurt yourself,” she sighs.

“You’re not ok.”

She scoffs. “What gave you that idea?”

He clearly tries not to wince too much as he sits down next to her. She thought that she would oppose his presence, shy away from him being near her. She's used to solitude and isolation, and so Jyn doesn’t expect the sudden craving to be close to him. Still, it rushes through her fiercely as he faces her. She’s spent so much time on her own, so much of her life fending for herself and trusting no one, that this sudden need for contact scares her a little. But his touch had been comforting as they’d faced the end together, wrapped in each other’s arms, and she unexpectedly wanted that comfort again badly. 

He ignores the party, the dancing and the laughter, and looks straight into her eyes.

“Talk to me, Jyn.”

She’s never been eloquent with words. But she tries.

“I went into this expecting to die,” she whispers, unable to meet his gaze. “We weren’t supposed to live.”

Cassian lets out a long breath.

“Jyn,” he says. “We survived because we fought. We fought for a galaxy that we’d be proud of. We’ve both lost … you need to give yourself time.”

“I should be telling you that.”

“I’m perfectly fine,” He brushes off his injuries hastily.

“Sure. I’m fine, if you’re fine.”

Cassian eyes her, but acquiesces. “Ok, so we’re both a mess. And you’re tough, I think you’re one of the toughest people I’ve ever met, but that doesn’t mean invincible, Jyn.”

She of all people knows she’s not invincible. She’s looked death in the eye more times than she cares to remember, understood how it could take her stupid, fragile body at any given moment. But she ran headfirst into that battle anyway, with the assumption that it would take her. It took her comrades, her friends, but for reasons she still can’t figure, it didn’t take her.

It was easy to try and let guilt take her instead. 

“Look. You know what I honestly think?” Cassian asks, then. She doesn’t say anything, just waits for him to carry on. “We survived probably because of a lot of reasons. We had good timing. We were quick. We just got really damn lucky. Whatever it might have been, I think we were meant to survive. We were meant to make it to this spot right here, you and me. I remember holding you on that beach and …”

He hesitates and she feels something unfurl tentatively inside her. The warmth she feels when he’s close and when he’s in her thoughts, the warmth that she felt on the beach. It suddenly burns to sit so close. “I wasn’t ready,” he says. “I wasn’t ready to let that be the end. If it had to be, I was glad it was with someone who made me feel safe, but it would never have been enough. I wanted more days with you, more days to get to know you, more days to learn your favourite foods and weird habits and eventually, get brave enough to ask you out for a drink sometime. I wanted all of that, Jyn. So hell, yes, I think we were supposed to survive.”

She’s almost speechless. Not that she hasn’t entertained the same kind of thoughts, of course. She’s contemplated the many alternate universes where the stars align and they stay alive long enough to get that drink, long enough to live and fight and maybe fall in love a little.  Maybe the idea of death was peaceful to her – no more trauma, no more war, no more abandonment or being alone – but she isn’t alone anymore. She doesn’t have to isolate herself. She survived because she survived, not because of some kind of twisted divine fate, and when she glances up at Cassian, she sees some kind of future for the very first time.

She wants it a lot. 

Without thinking, she leans forward. The kiss isn’t tremendous or spectacular, but it’s heartfelt, and she feels Cassian respond in earnest. His lips an inch from hers, she whispers,

“Then let’s get that drink.”

He smiles.

**Author's Note:**

> Never has a movie emotionally slayed me so much as Rogue One did. Honestly, the movie and its ending were perf, but I'm still a little too devastated to accept it atm, so uhhhh ???? this happened???
> 
> Fun fact: I have literally never written for anything SW my whole life until I was stabbed in the heart by my dear Space Children here, so please forgive anything that doesn't fit! x  
> (Also, I'm @moonprincess92nz on Le Tumblr if you want someone to cry with, haha)


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